Search This Blog

Sunday, May 11, 2014

Between everything lies hope...

It has been so long..& noticing that i never write anything in my blog especially this year i decide to write something. I guess this is something which is really important..

As many things happened last year made me did not realize or ignored my blog..believe me it was a very tough year for me..i fought with my feeling, had a conflicts with myself & in the same time struggled while trying to get back on the right track..i felt like i was in a massive storm..But Alhamdulillah..i got them slowly settled & even though not everything was in perfect but somehow things are getting better..

Now this year of 2014 is a promising year..i hope so. It has been awaiting year because of a special occasion that we have been waiting for..i am now in the next phase of my career. When i said my life is revolving around my career it means specifically in this PTD scheme..goshhh its now too late to regret..i do hope most of the time to go back to where was i before..Some says it is a bless while i say this is an ultimate test! Yup, i am now undergoing the course of Diploma Pentadbiran Awam! it will only end till September...phewww.. what a long way more to go...& by that i have to make more changing..

Ask yourself ..do you really want to change? yes, change! because i did that like a few years ago..and here i am today in mess!  Sometimes we miss it, about changing..i know it is actually good, it is even important for us to change..but sometimes the smallest thing in life changes something forever and there will be times when you wish you can go back to how things used to be but you just can't because things have changed so much!

I had been in devastated & hopeless time as far as i remember..no, i just cannot trying to remember those past..but being here in this place & in this moment is actually really different from what i had been through, what had i planned to make things better & what i supposed to be..

Here in this new place with new environment & whats more important with more new friends make me realize something. Friends are really hard to find & even hard to earn..I wish they understand me more, but i dont hope too much that they will satisfy my heart as i think that is too selfish..3 months had gone..& what do i get within that 3 months? it was even tougher! like seriously...i was very shocked to find out that even these so called 'Officer" are behaving like this..honestly when it comes to relationship or friendship so far i find it mostly heartbreaking! I even set my mind that be cautious & ready to accept the consequences of being beaten awfully mentally &emotionally when having any relationship with anyone in here..

So, my only choice? Is to be professional & do things seriously, & selfishly aim to finish my work & target! i did that at early weeks but it turned out to be worse, they didn't prefer it .i could see from their look which were full of hatred & doubts? and so i changed again ..by took things easily & fun..& again those so called professional, skillful & Mr. Know everything looked at me like i am a scumbag! goshhh..

Okay, i started to feel stress & had my depressed time. This was the time when we actually found the true meaning of friend..along came a few friends..they were a bless for me..its weird when i realize not many people here noticing them, but somehow i looked at them clearly & it feels like there's some kind of  force that pushes me to them..it gets clearer when you don't have to speak to communicate but just by looking at each other you would laugh & thought of those silly things..

when i need my time & space alone & they come cross your mind, you would think that life actually beautiful..realizing the facts that i am now in a battlefield i try hard to preserve this bless in the forms of friendship!

what makes me confidence is the way they accept me! i did a simple test like telling the truth about who was i & waited for their reaction & response & i took quite a long time to see if they came back to me..well it seems they past the test! i know it seems like it is all about me but i have to do that to gain trust! i thought about me & though that who can resist you? & why do they have to do that?you justify everything..before this you used to ease every pain, helped to bear with the hopeless & carelessly letting yourself been hurt in order to take care everyone's heart! but the best thing is that it is YOU!

This is how they accept me! InnSha Allah i have my comrade to win over this war! i even made history & successfully created many sweet victories through few events! at least i know who to run to & whose shoulder would i need when i need to cry on!                                                                                              
it is actually hope that makes us brave to do things..behind & between almost everything there's always
hope...i remember someone said this beautiful speech;

It's easy to feel hopeful on a beautiful day like today, but there will be dark days ahead of us too. 

There will be days where you feel all alone and that's when hope is needed most. 
No matter how buried it gets or how lost you feel, you most promise me that you will hold on to hope. 
Keep it alive! We have to be greater than what we suffer.. 
My wish for you is to become hope.. People need that.. 
And even if we fail... what better way is there to live? 

As we look around here today at all the people who helped make us who we are, 
I know it feels like we're saying goodbye but we will carry a piece of each other into everything we do next... 
To remind us of who we are.. and if we were meant to be. 

The lesson: If you cant find that hope then be it, InnSha Allah..