A question often arise in my mind, am I lucky to get what I have right now? People always say that they want what I have so far. But little do they know that I have to face and bear many unexpected and surprises occurrences. Some I could handle but the truth are mostly break me and bring me down. I have to admit this that I am not a strong person like what they see and think I am, I make myself to look stronger so that I can move on with this life where I always feel that I don’t belong..i know it’s complex and complicated but still I know that most people will think it’s actually very simple and I am the one who’s making things complicated or exaggerating..
Well, we can’t always make people believe and convincing them that we are always okay and being fine in this life. Especially when they know nothing about what we had been through in our past. Even if they know it’s just the surface of it…I wouldn’t dare to let them know and it’s better that way..
Being alone with only you yourself will make you always realize and aware but still normal people will need someone to talk with. Luckily I have my relatives here. So I can consider that I am not that desperate in seeking for a friends or an opinion if I need one…at least!
Throughout last year I’ve met so many people and some has already been my friends. I’ve learned that not all of them are really a friend. At first met they been good to you, wanted to get closed to you with covered up their real behavior, and when they’ve already get closed to you and benefiting you for the importance, sadly and surprisingly they would reveal their true colors. I don’t wish they could understand and accept me for who I am or my way of living. But at least I want them for a ‘FRIEND!” The one that I can refer and talk to when I need them. Who argue the right things for the right reasons without questioning my status? And if I do wrong they are most welcome to correct me in a proper way that doesn’t sounds or seems insulting and offending me...ok maybe I have too gentle heart that is easily breakable but that’s what friend is all about to understand and to show the right path or at least to fight together without compromising their own benefits..
I’m tired of seeking another friend after another. Tired of hiding this hurts and pains and tired of running away from them so that they could have their moments to think of why I am doing that for. And really tired of faking may happiness and peaceful…i have given these people so many chances. I’m afraid that I will be what they don’t want and afraid of the bad consequences..
I’ve to admit that I always feel intimidated and terrified whenever I met new people. Tell me I have very lack in my confidence but I wish people would know that’s the reason of why I’m feeling this way…
I feel sorry for those who want to get close to me but then I have to avoid them just because I don’t want things to get worse at the end of the relationship. Yes I know I shouldn’t end it but in most cases I have to do so in order to protect and save my feelings and stand in my life. And I feel worst for those people whom I gave chances to be closed to me but in the end they don’t care about my sensitivity or don’t respect me for what I’ve explained about my way of life. I am not that different from others it’s just I have my own view.
I have to move on somehow, regardless who I am facing and need to cooperate with, whether in career or my daily routine. I think I have enough sleepless nights and need to stop worrying for no reasons. And if I have to be meaner and stricter then I will do that. I’LL GET BACK WHAT IVE BEEN MISSING AND LOST ALONG MY JOURNEY EVER SINCE I’VE BEEN POSTED HERE IN THIS STRANGER PLACE.
If 2013 is a year with more challenges then I’ll be ready with more actions. I hope I’ll be wiser and stronger to face these realities. I know a few people that I can run to for a shoulder and in my difficult times as good as I know those whom I need to get rid of for their unnecessary and wrong things that they have done to me..
And the first and foremost I hope that Allah is always with me even if I know and realize that I always disobey Him but deep in my heart I always want to be His best slave and Ummah …always returning back to Him in everything that I do..
…as I was driving towards the highway of Putrajaya F.T, I could see the sun rose higher and shone its ray on me..with hope…