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Friday, August 2, 2013

Telah sejauh ini...


sempena hari baik bulan baik dan bakal menjelang hari gemilang umat Islam ni saya terasa dan tergerak hati untuk membuat post & entry baru di dalam bahasa Melayu walaupun saya bukan bangsa Melayu..sekali sekala kan?

hari ni macam biasa saya bergerak ke tempat kerja dengan aura awan hitam menyelubungi kawasan yang dituju..well, istilah untuk menggambarkan kegerunan office ni..haha.. sebenarnya tak adalah seteruk itu just kidding..but sometimes it does feel like that..... ok MOST OF THE TIME!

apa yang mahu saya kongsikan adalah sedar tak sedar sudah sejauh ini langkah saya di dalam kerjaya PTD ni, ingat tak entry saya terdahulu yang cakap pasal proses pengambilan PTD & PAC untuk kelayakan PTD? yes now that i am in the service..after been thorough all the challenges saya bermacam2 perasaan yang saya jalani dan tempuhi..

Adakala saya menjadi pelik..kenapa skim ni jadi rebutan, dream job..asal sebut PTD mesti orang impressed.. well saya yang dalam perkhidmatan ini sesungguhnya tau apa disebalik gah nama PTD itu..tak semudah dna tak seindah yang disangka KALAU anda tidak kuat! mental, fizikal  dan rohani memang susahlah jadi PTD.. bukan setakat IQ, skill dan keistimewaan kita yang di ingini tetapi persistence & ketabahan serta kekuatan kita menahan segala cabaran..PTD ni terlalu mencabar jugaklah..itu yang orang ramai tak tahu..kesanggupan kita untuk berdepan dan menyelesaikan isu-isu dengan cepat dan tepat..isu-isu ni pulak berkait rapat dengan kebajikan rakyat dalam masa yang sama menjaga kepentingan Kementerian..aduhhh kadang2 saya rasa mau berhenti saja...

Tapi KAWAn kadang2 membuatkan saya ingin dan mahu terus tetap...hah..cakap pasal kawan ni kan.....nanti sambunglah hahhaha..kawan oh kawan!

Friday, July 12, 2013

if only...

It's almost half a year since my last entry on January earlier.. well since that life really has change on me. I have now move to a new place where i rent the apartment alone. I think i am more comfortable this way., i admit i may not be able to mingle around like the rest can do. the reason might be i just cant understand people truthfully..honestly i like making friends..they instead make my life easier when i need helps..but i notice that i can do & willing to do things on my own..for the reason i dont like to trouble anyone. It could also because of my pass....i let many people upset, i broke too many hearts & i always disappear , come & go anywhere & anytime whenever i wanted to do so..some strong hearted people in my life even came back & tried harder to look for me.. i respect this few type of friends very much.. this shows that they are really faithful & like me for who i am..well, its been a year that ive been here in this place..still i dont make lots of friends..i mean the kind that i always chill out with & the kind that i always refer to for my bad or good time..i keep my feeling on my own..silently & secretly..i remember my superior a.k.a my boss once told me that she can never understand me and suspecting that i have my weird own world.. of course she said that sarcastically..well for me im okay with fact i admit that..its not wrong to think that way.. as long as ive proven that i am in fact come to this level of life .. who would think that im here in this position right now??God's plan always secrecy and mystery... its ok..for now im holding to this situation; enjoy the good times & wait for the bad one to pass...eventually! to those who never give up & have faith in so thankful & unhesitatingly i love you form the bottom of my sincere heart~ its just i wish you could come earlier & save me 10 years ago..........

Sunday, January 6, 2013

Get backer…2013, more challenges and actions!

There were so many things happened since I moved to this place where I thought I could handle everything with what I am entitled for this post and job. When I first got this opportunity, I had planned the best for me to shape my future. I am not getting any younger and the real fact is I’m getting older with no guarantee of living any longer. I could be gone anytime. Exposed with many hazards or any causes that can take my life anytime from now…

A question often arise in my mind, am I lucky to get what I have right now? People always say that they want what I have so far. But little do they know that I have to face and bear many unexpected and surprises occurrences. Some I could handle but the truth are mostly break me and bring me down. I have to admit this that I am not a strong person like what they see and think I am, I make myself to look stronger so that I can move on with this life where I always feel that I don’t belong..i know it’s complex and complicated but still I know that most people will think it’s actually very simple and I am the one who’s making things complicated or exaggerating..

Well, we can’t always make people believe and convincing them that we are always okay and being fine in this life. Especially when they know nothing about what we had been through in our past.   Even if they know it’s just the surface of it…I wouldn’t dare to let them know and it’s better that way..

Being alone with only you yourself will make you always realize and aware but still normal people will need someone to talk with. Luckily I have my relatives here. So I can consider that I am not that desperate in seeking for a friends or an opinion if I need one…at least!

Throughout last year I’ve met so many people and some has already been my friends. I’ve learned that not all of them are really a friend. At first met they been good to you, wanted to get closed to you with covered up their real behavior, and when they’ve already get closed to you and benefiting you for the importance, sadly and surprisingly they would reveal their true colors.  I don’t wish they could understand and accept me for who I am or my way of living. But at least I want them for a ‘FRIEND!”  The one that I can refer and talk to when I need them. Who argue the right things for the right reasons without questioning my status? And if I do wrong they are most welcome to correct me in a proper way that doesn’t sounds or seems insulting and offending me...ok maybe I have too gentle heart that is easily breakable but that’s what friend is all about to understand and to show the right path or at least to fight together without compromising their own benefits..

I’m tired of seeking another friend after another. Tired of hiding this hurts and pains and tired of running away from them so that they could have their moments to think of why I am doing that for. And really tired of faking may happiness and peaceful…i have given these people so many chances. I’m afraid that I will be what they don’t want and afraid of the bad consequences..

I’ve to admit that I always feel intimidated and terrified whenever I met new people. Tell me I have very lack in my confidence but I wish people would know that’s the reason of why I’m feeling this way…

I feel sorry for those who want to get close to me but then I have to avoid them just because I don’t want things to get worse at the end of the relationship. Yes I know I shouldn’t end it but in most cases I have to do so in order to protect and save my feelings and stand in my life. And I feel worst for those people whom I gave chances to be closed to me but in the end they don’t care about  my sensitivity or don’t respect me for what I’ve explained about my way of life. I am not that different from others it’s just I have my own view.

I have to move on somehow, regardless who I am facing and need to cooperate with, whether in career or my daily routine. I think I have enough sleepless nights and need to stop worrying for no reasons. And if I have to be meaner and stricter then I will do that. I’LL GET BACK WHAT IVE BEEN MISSING AND LOST ALONG MY JOURNEY EVER SINCE I’VE BEEN POSTED HERE IN THIS STRANGER PLACE. 

If 2013 is a year with more challenges then I’ll be ready with more actions. I hope I’ll be wiser and stronger to face these realities. I know a few people that I can run to for a shoulder and in my difficult times as good as I know those whom I need to get rid of for their unnecessary and wrong things that they have done to me..

And the first and foremost I hope that Allah is always with me even if I know and realize that I always disobey Him but deep in my heart I always want to be  His best slave and Ummah …always returning back to Him in everything that I do..

…as I was driving towards the highway of Putrajaya F.T, I could see the sun rose higher and shone its ray on me..with hope…