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Saturday, November 24, 2012

someone please..something wrong somewhere is happening!

i dont know how to start...but i guess this problem never leaves me alone. i have travel far from my comfort zone and i know i have to be ready to face all these..there was a point of where i felt so weak that i couldnt even stand..i know it shouldnt be that way..i have to be a man..i tried to gather all my strengths.. but with what? of course as a Muslim we were tought that our prayer is our weapon and so i did..& then again i thought of someone that i can rely least talking about this bad feeling..let it all out so it wont burdening me more from the inside..

others wont have any idea of how every morning i wake up with pain in my heart that causes me to feel week in my nerves and muscles...i dont ask for it..i did try to forget everything & sometimes it works..

A friend...yes a friend will always be the one that i can talk to..i realize of how many people are actually do care & concern on me..but it gets me becoming selfish & by the moment i realize that i start to avoid them....& as usual ill be the one who'll be mistaken for doing that..i wish i could scream my feelings out and make them understand...

But there's always at least one friend that is always be there least lending his ear just to listen...i wish i wont be wrong about this..a guarantee that i can talk to them anytime is really making me gaining back my strength..being here in the place where you always be mistaken for the way you talk, act or living your culture  is really making me cant be smart enough neither you cant act a little stupid to make them comfort when they are with stuck in the middle...& im afraid that one day my final decision is to quit from what i am doing now or back to my own place where at least i know there are few people who understand me better....

...Ya Allah please make me strong to keep holding on :'(

Sunday, October 21, 2012 heart, your heart and everyone's heart!

...this is so complicated......when you talk about this topic..the heart itself its a complex creation of God Almighty!  it's among the smallest organ in our body but still for me it runs the most important job of all!  i would always stand with my opinion about heart which i think it is the most delicate organ yet the strongest part that moves us!

The Climb

..i was so depressed and frustration because of a few things last Saturday. i know its not anyone's fault n i do realize its all because of me myself..i tried to be nice to people around me..treated them like a king & queen and even give them anything & everything that i could give..but as always ill be the one who suffers for hoped something they could give in return..i dont ask much ....just make me happy, understand me and walk with me in this struggling life where i always feel like has been 6 months but still i cannot suit myself with my surrounding..i thought with someone closer who knows this place very well everything will be easier..yes indeed it is making my life a little easier to go through all these..

i wish i would stop running away, vanishing and appearing anywhere & anytime like i always do..but doing that make me release my tension..i just like to be alone ..finding myself but when im done with that and facing back to people it affects me like i was the one who do all the caused me think of i was the main reason for all the problems when they were the one who didnt talk to me..always trying to search my flaw & even blaming me for everything that went wrong....its not easy to be me...

..yesterday's morning without taking too much time and i didnt even think twice, i woke up earlier and joined my old friend to for a hiking. the place is quite far from this chaotic city which where im leaving in.  there was like a miracle force that made me brave to join this hiking group..we just being introduced to each other on that day when we met at a restaurant.. surprisingly it was my first time  been at that small town..i met people who are difference in their background and career..but every stories and experiences that they shared with me along our way up to the mountain has thought me many precious was like an eye opener for me..i needed to see real people with real stories..and there was i meeting them and sharing our stories..

..there was one person whom i met where we 've grown up in the same era of what did i expect? of course we have much more similar interest and stories to share..and i noticed that these children of 90s are mostly special....we grew up in chaos and our saga is epic! seriously...the shockingly facts that ive found was we were all trying to find ourself!

..without being judgemental on their appeal and life's experiences i realized that someones smarter had given me and advice in friendship or relationship....
it goes like; ' if you really care and love your friends or someone you wouldn't care if you have to hurt him/her by preventing them to not do something stupid that would ruin their might hurt you at the beginning and he/she might even running away from you or even hurt you but we know our action is saving their see them to be someone better of even the best....' i dont know if it's too late for me to do that..ive losing many bestfriends along this journey which i call the climb~

P/S: why do i always realize it after i have already lost it!

Monday, September 3, 2012

...towards the end of the test~ more day to Eidulfitri, which is our big day. & here i am in KLIA waiting to be on board on a plan & fly right away to my has been 3 months since ive left my comfort zone. & while all people think that the Ramadhan is the only trial or a test for them but for me it has started like 3 months ago...yes, i had been thinking that the moment i came here for the job is the moment when i have to be stronger and wiser...

..I know what i had been through..i cant trust all people even if their position and qualification suppose to reflects their personality somehow it's their attitude that makes me hate them or maybe it's just me who think that way! OK i have to change my perception and try to put a little trust and faith on these people.

through all the hardness and craziness that i went through there are still some people whom i think approaching me regardless of our differences and weaknesses. i even try to make them feel uncomfortable when they were hanging around with me but as i notice they always coming back and the next day i know they forgot my problem and complaints instead they always make me happy . surprisingly we are so much different in term of belief and culture but i can feel the honest and pure friendship when im with them..

life becoming more beautiful even in my struggle time..maybe its true what people always say ; 'life is difficult but FRIENDS make it easier!'

Thank You Allah for these unique friends that you bless me with..& i will always pray for them to open their heart for the TRUTH! InsyaAllah...

A new saga begins...

...who knows that my life now is totally change..yes it is..i feel like my prayers have been answered when im now in the new phase of life. what i am going through in this moment is much different than what i did back in my hometown. I am really out of my comfort zone..out of the box as someone been saying that i lived in the box for i didnt go out exploring this life..But i bet that they were all wrong..all this while i kept silence ..i didnt say anything.. i didnt protest because i know the impact if i do so..its no use fighting back their words when at the end you'll be the one who'll lose and wrong & what worst you the one who will be blame... So, i just wait for the moment when my inner light shines itself than to force all the spotlight to shine on me from surrounding me. hey people we all are shining from ourselves need spotlight ok..haha..
It was sad at first to step out from the place where you've been spending your life with..but as i said get out form your comfort zone for you never know what potential you can make out there..when you think that people at your own place take you for granted always remember that there are a lot others out there that you dont even know or expect that are waiting for you and dying to need your ability, experts and truthfully want you...its happening to me..
the day where it all began was the day where i felt like i was dreaming. Stepped in the hall of glory, met all the big names in the country and even passed by the historical place of where we had been achieving many successful event were like dreams came true..but i knew that there were many more unexpected things behind all that..challenges is a must..but...i am READY with my soul and belief! may all the loves and prayers from my beloved parent, siblings, relatives and friends make me wiser, stronger and become someone that really change the world! InsyaAllah...Alhamdulillah for the bless!

Wednesday, April 11, 2012 one can ever take a place of someone else's life~

Do you listen to others? i mean listen carefully and spend a few minutes to listen to their story? at least couple of minutes...what would you get in that couple of minutes? what is it for? to just listen? to spread out their story? or to laugh at it? do whatever you want but be prepared with the consequences..why would you wanna do that? to listen and to spend your time with that people?..Heyy wake up people..its a signs that they trust you and have faith in you.. & for this people that have no other option but to have to do that, i mean when you have to rely on others by at least talking to them & you think if that will make the pain go away please bear in mind that you have to have the amount of trust to those people that you are telling your story to them.Will you ever put your life and dignity in someone else's hand?  Now why is that only this kind of emotion are usually being shared with others? why not sharing the joyfulness, goodness and successful?? Well i don't say that most of us doing that..somehow there are people whose able to share good things but hiding the opposite..BUT still there are people whose doing the vice versa....
A question arising in my mind of why would we want to do that? is it beneficial to us? or is it fun to know their story and sharing their emotions?or perhaps these people could be thinking that you could take their place in that condition & then what will going to be? you make the pain and sorrow gone just like that? hurrmmm...this is what i have been thinking of ..TO TAKE SOMEONE ELSE'S  PLACE & TO FEEL THEIR SORROW AND HARDNESSHIP?...that's it  & some people claim that they can do that..most people whom i know would say that..yeahh..when we feel sorry and sympathy upon someone else's life after hearing and listening to their story we think that we could  do something..or at least can help to ease the pain even if it's just a little things..but hey that little thing might be working as well..
I've been in that situation many times before..being in the position of listener..always & now i get used to it. In fact until today that im writing this could be because im a good listener. That's what they've been telling me all this depends on who's been talking to me..who knows me better and the most important is WHO REALLY TRUST ME!..but whatever the experiences,emotions or life that they had been through and when they tell us all about it,we can never be in their shoes..we can never take their place or feel exactly the same like what they have been through..NEVER!!! we may share the same experience, share the same vision, share the same dreams or even have the same life's purpose but we are definitely not the two same person sharing those things together..there can never be two same person in this world that are sharing exactly the same story UNLESS two person that intertwine in life because of marriage (of course there must be a man and a woman...) then these kind of person are sharing a life according to the marriage vow..
A very close friend could share our happiness and sadness or anything that friends are usually share. But in the end they must carry on with their own life no matter how strong is the bound  & promise that has been made. So it takes a lot of courages and even the whole world to be able to replace and taking a place of someone else's life, to be able to feel how they breathe from their own chest , to see from their eyes, to think like what they have in mind and the hardest part is always to feel like what their heart is feeling...because heart is the most special yet a delicate & soft organ BUT the strongest part in us that keeps us going on with this life..They say when your mind says you can not but your heart will always say that you believe in it..listen to your heart and always remember that the heart is always belong to Allah S.W.T as HE is the one who creates it and HE grands us with one of the most miracle creation that ever been created among all other things, whenever you think that no one can ever feel what you are feeling , no one can understand you like you understand yourself or no one can take your place to wipe away your tears..always remember that HE is the one who is truly understand you..always will be. HE owns us all and HE knows the reason behind all that we feel...have faith in Allah S.W.T~ InsyaAllah...& as the saying goes; there's always a silver line in every dark cloud!

Saturday, April 7, 2012

Seize the day, live life to the fullest because life has so many to offer than we thought...

A few years ago my cousin suggested me a Japanese drama which she claimed it could make me cry..well i told her that i wouldnt waste my tears for the stupid drama. But she insisted for me to watch it anyway...& with that came a bet that i would definitely cry when i watch it..and so i gave it a try.Ok, there went the first episode...i was calmly watching in the room ALONE!! hahah..ok it went to the next episode then i realized that i couldnt stand it anymore...i wasnt sure of which episode i started to feel deeply thorn-ed and sad..well actually the drama is made base on a true what did i thought?? its a true story...made real into a drama for watching i gave up & surrender to my own feeling..yeahhh im a man which people always say man dont cry!! bullshit!! i did it..i broke down and fact while watching the drama..only a very mean and cold hearted people wont admit it..
Through the drama it teaches us the journey of a life of a young girl who suffered from a disease that is very rare in the world..i guess she was the chosen one..according to the drama also it shows the courages, affections, loves and a spirits of a young and sweet girl that are being portrayed in that journey & she accepted it with warm and sincere heart because she knew that God loves her and positively and optimistically she enjoyed her life for every day and appreciated people around her with kindness and loves though she knew that she wouldn't be able to live any longer like any other normal kids do...hhuhuhu i think i want to cry right now..huhuu..hihihi..ok ok bha.. let's being sentimental again..So,what happened to the girl is an ultimately beautiful example of a brave spirit that should be exist in every soul of us..may her soul rest in peace :')...and the life lesson?....SEIZE THE DAY, LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST BECAUSE LIFE HAS SO MANY TO OFFER...& with that i wanna confess while we still have time no matter who you are,where you come from and what is your history...i want you to know that I LOVE YOU!...yeah YOU WHO'RE READING THIS RIGHT NOW...While we still breathing and have some more time..why not??? let's love every soul and be kind to every one...InsyaAllah~ Alhamdulillah....

.........................In Memory of Aya Kitō~may her soul rest in peace.........................


Nagareru kisetsu no mannaka de
Futo hi no nagasa wo kanjimasu
Sewashiku sugiru hibi no naka ni
Watashi to anata de yume wo egaku

Sangatsu no kaze ni omoi wo nosete
Sakura no tsubomi wa haru e to tsuzukimasu

Afure dasu hikari no tsubu ga
Sukoshi zutsu asa wo atatamemasu
Ookina akubi wo shita ato ni
Sukoshi tereteru anata no yoko de

Arata na sekai no iriguchi ni tachi
Kizuita koto wa hitori ja nai tte koto

Hitomi wo tojireba anata ga
Mabuta no ura ni iru koto de
Dore hodo tsuyoku nareta deshou
Anata ni totte watashi mo sou de aritai

Sunabokori hakobu tsumujikaze
Sentakumono ni karamarimasu ga
Hirumae no sora no shiroi tsuki wa
Nan da ka kirei de mitoremashita

Umaku wa ikanu koto mo aru keredo
Ten wo aogeba sore sae chiisakute

Aoi sora wa rin to sunde
Hitsujigumo wa shizuka ni yureru
Hana saku wo matsu yorokobi wo
Wakachiaeru no de areba sore wa shiawase

Kono saki mo tonari de sotto hohoende

Hitomi wo tojireba anata ga
Mabuta no ura ni iru koto de
Dore hodo tsuyoku nareta deshou
Anata ni totte watashi mo sou de aritai


In the middle of this drifting season
I suddenly feel the length of the days
In the midst of these quickly-passing days
You and I dream away

With my feelings on the March wind
The cherry blossom buds continue on into spring

The overflowing drops of light
One by one warm the morning
Beside you, I'm a little embarrassed
After a huge yawn

I'm standing at the door to a new world
What I've realized is that I'm not alone

If I close my eyes
You're behind my eyelids
How strong has that made me?
I hope I'm the same for you

The dusty whirlwind
Tangled up the laundry, but
The white moon in the morning sky
Was so beautiful, I couldn't look away

There are things that don't go the way I planned
But if I look up to the sky, even they seem small

The blue sky is cold and clear
The fluffy clouds float by quietly
If I can share with you the joy
Of waiting for the flowers to bloom, I'll be happy

From now on,
I want you to be quietly smiling beside me
If I close my eyes
You're behind my eyelids
How strong has that made me?
I hope I'm the same for you

Tuesday, March 27, 2012 has been many years~, it has been so many years..and i dont even realize how times are passing by..while im busy doing this & that and keeping myself busy..its all because of too many things happened and most of them are heart thorn-ed and really brought me felt hurts and some event succeeded to make me lost while the best part is always how i was being deceptive to my surroundings...yeahh it feels really hurt and paint to always crying alone..but those smile & laugh from others made me at least able to wipe the tears and feels lighter in the heart...sigghhh..this is not an expression of hurt feeling! it is so natural of me..ever since i was little kid and those occurances that happened to me had shaped me of who i am today..

.... clueless..sometimes i feel like im standing at the point of in the middle of i dont even know what's going on to me..those chasing past are keeps following me no matter how i hide and how i try to avoid them...threatening me with humiliation , sarcasm and failure vision that im so afraid to even accept who was i before and the most important who am i today!

Ya Allah, to HIM i always tell the truth and for HIM also i always cry my heart out..i believe this is my faith and be here...and to please others...

...sharing some stories with a few friends today made me realize that it wasn't me alone who went through all that craps..i almost drop my tears to hear what they went through..what so amazed me and inspired me is how successful they acts like they were nothing at all...turned back to the corner of the Surau i cried as much as i could...sorry i am no tough guy and i'd rather satisfied me a bit..i prayed to Allah to give me and them a strength to go on and a courage to face this cruel world..besides i gotta be strong to make others stronger...

life will never be the same after this, besides my obligation to Allah and responsibilities to others that im taking care, i myself is going for a big changes in my heart feels lighter and i was braved enough to make on that decision..and through all that..i realize someone is stealing my heart...somehow im still doubting my feeling but looking at her always makes me calm..YA Allah this test will never end..after letting go someone that i liked so much and then come another still looking for the signs to be brave..who knows what will be the next story of my love life?

Monday, March 19, 2012

...The reason & the promise...

..phewwww..after so long i have not writing anything on this blog just because i lost my faith and spirit..& then lately someone inspiring me to start again..Alhamdulillah..errr actually i did writing & it has been published in a website of yeahhh..Alhamdulillah..but as this blog is also my diary, so i gain my strength back, gathering my faith and calling back my spirit..its all started because of the story of a boy whom i know from an exhibition~..there was one about education fair! & who expect that he came at last, i was already thought that he would never come as i assumed that he was the same like others..& then 1 fine day when he came and mentioned to see me, that was the day.He asked to see me with mentioning the staff my name in a weird way; my shortform ~MHK! okay i said no one did that before..that was weird i i succeed to get him in the college..& i didnt take any attention as i assumed that he was the same like the rest until one day he added me in FB..okay, lets give it a try i said to myself..oh ya..before i forget, previously i was so down that i didnt know what to do next in my life. I planned to quit, to just let myself drifted away until that several occurances that made me try harder to stay longer...then only this boy come walk in to my life..after knowing a little about his life i started to feel guilty as i was the one who recruited him...then one night i started to chat on FB whereby most of my friend know that I DONT DO CHAT! hahah.. i just dont was like an unknown forces came to me and made me do the things that i always refuse to do..subhanallah...iaksed him of why he didnt join us to the picnic as i was invited by some students..& he ought to be there also..then the story goes...knowing the story of his life made me respecting him even more, inspiring him and taking him as a life lesson..he even made my tears dropped! no doubt that he is one of the answer of my prayer to Allah ..there was once i asked Allah to give me signs if i need to stay longer at 'that' place or should i walkaway...& im still thinking that this boy could be one of the answer among other signs...he came & needed help even if he never told me comes honestly and truthfully from my heart..night by night we get to know each other and found out a lot of common in our interest..although im still waiting for my dreams BUT this REASON that came to me wont be neglected anymore..the world will no more a cruel & lonely place for him & the rest..& i give him the promise to will be our bounding..i promise to myself to work for better and be the best for myself and guide him to achieve his dreams..even if one day i wont be there beside him & the rest anymore...insyaAllah...Alhamdulillah...may Allah grand me with rewards of jannah..Ameen....