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Saturday, August 27, 2011

...to know is to love?

..i really had a good time yesterday as it was the last day of working before the Raya..so i was busy running here and there..and of course the kitchen is a must in my list to visit every day..in fact i even tell people around me that if there's only one reason that make me stay in my workplace now is the 'kitchen!' hehe...this kitchen is located nearby at my office..each time the staff need to go to the wash room they can see it as we will pass it by on the way to the wash room...plus most of my family and friend know that cooking is my passion..so having the 'kitchen' here is a bonus for me to work here...yes they do have the rules & regulation that not everyone are allowed in the kitchen but as a staff i dont think its a harm or inappropriate action for me to be in that kitchen just to share and help those students and other colleagues. being in that kitchen has given me much opportunity to know other people whether the students or the staff..so i can say that most of the students who are close to me now are from the culinary art course...the more often i come to the kitchen the more people i know and the more knowledge and skills i gained in cooking~

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

...Raya preparation~???? make up then break up the 'setting'!

...6 more days to go to our big day..soon enough Raya will come & it's like im being forced to do all the chores routinely..annually..but hey, no compromise because everyone does it on Raya Celebration..ok, so i have to start now..fortunately i have my 'assistance' and we did it haha..setting up the new set of curtain frame was a troublesome as this was the new thing in my life..modern day's curtain is really weird but convenience in a way..
talking about Raya celebration, i could never escape from thinking about relationship. doesn't matter with family or friends..they say ,Raya time would be the best time to make up or even to start a fresh beginning..i would have to agree on that...but i ruined something even before Raya!
i just couldn't figure it out what's wrong with my relationship around me..ok so i made up with my family,but then another friendship is about to break up ...or should i say had broken up! people that i used to adore and care a lot ,came up & tested my patience? i mean what did they want from it??? at first place they came out of nowhere after missing in my life for such a long time...so i had to move on without their supports..but until last week they showed up and made things tangled up, started to say that i had change, I'm not who i used to be & telling me about how i made them upset...and i was blamed for all the messed up...a few questions lingered in my mind when these happened...why would they never ask me what was my problem? or maybe they could have asked me if they could lend their ears, or maybe shoulders for all tragedy that i had been going through ALONE??? and as usual i kept silence on my own...because if i keep searching for those questions to be answered i might break more heart..hurting more feeling...i just cant figure these out ...is it fair to me...??i said nothing..i didn't know how to react....and just pray things will be better on its own...& in the end the matter of who's to be blamed and the reason of why these things happen will arise..creating a maze, leaving me with headache and even hurting me from the inside..as they always say..'“Silence is one of the hardest arguments to refute'..and i did that...rather than keep saying wrong things and making more mistakes i kept silence...and only speak to certain people...here in this workplace i try harder to not telling 'them' that i am now being here...& while waiting for the next best thing to happen i pray a lot to Allah to send me away far from these problems..because i believe when i start my new 'career' soon (errrr..i always believe in this..yeahh rite!), it will locate me away from my hometown and i don't really care about that..why do i have to stay back here when most people don't even know how to appreciate me?

Sunday, August 21, 2011

...the chasing past..

...i never expect that the past would chase me up to my current state now...really shocked tonight! who would've expect the determination would bring them to me...i dont know what to react...it's really awkward...im now confuse myself out...what do i feel now? only God knows...neither like nor dislike ,i cant say it accurately what am i feeling now..when i was ready for a new beginning and then the past interfered ,what would you do? those past were not that bad instead they were my teachers and guidance in going through the future ahead...but there must be a little disappointment in every experiences...otherwise there wouldn't be a phrase ' bittersweet memories' ...ironically they mention 'bitter' at the front of the word...~& im getting sleepy to continue this blog ..z..z.zzz z ZZZ.. *

Thursday, August 18, 2011

...the truth behind the smile...

...its already the 18th day of Ramadhan..& im still as usual extremely tired after came back from work..we were having a program which was the break fasting with the staff and students..it was fun & i had my chances to meet more colleagues & students..& as usual not all of them participated when i think they should do that as they are the 'educator' but what I've seen they even being selfish and arrogant ..i couldn't understand ..why is that so proud being tutor while the attitude is so sucks like shit! with the ignorance, don't even want to say hi & what worst some even called me with the 'ehh!' calling??? i mean what the hell??? they came to my desk, asked for thing to borrow but didnt even want to know my name??? whay is it so hard to ask for it? i know im new but it has already been almost 3 months & i know more people whom i see very nice and down to earth..& these people even have higher education background..they thought they are right but they are totally stupid and sucks!
ok enough with the bad topics, back in my office surrounding with my friends made me realize something pure and honest....
i notice that some of my colleagues are trying to hide the emotion and their problem..i know some of the stories and they even share it with me...but what made me surprise and even inspired by them ..all those problems doesn't affect their relationship with me and the rest..i know they might not deliver their task to the best effort but what i could see they still trying and even help others in doing their own..knowing all the truth behind their smile and laugh , behind all the jokes and fun that they used to cover their sorrows and sadness made me so emotional..what can i do when the truth that i know what is going on yet they keep smiling and laughing with me..???as if they have no problem...a little joke that i make keeps they laughing and smiling the whole day and when its time to go home each of us will bring the laugh and smile as a memory and make it as a medicine in our hard life...the truth is , no one knows the truth behind the smile..the hard truth...that tear our heart...and we will keep smiling and amusing people around with our joke and fun story....and for the bitter part? lets keep it inside..because we know HE always know and guide us through these hard life...

Sunday, August 7, 2011

..notes from Kuching ~

A few days ago i was checking on my Sony memory stick as i needed to find the old pictures remain in it when I've found an old notes which i wrote when i was in Kuching for the first time...i ought to transfer it to the blog but that time i didn't have one..and as I like to write out my feeling so i wrote it and save it in my memory stick...i think now is the perfect time for me to preserve the notes by keeping it in this blog as i already have one...enjoy reading it~;

I’m the type who is reluctant to have relationship unless with my family. I always try to hide my past and weakness since I don’t know how to be proud of myself. However being in Kuching for almost 4 months with no relative made me realize that friendship is a miracle. Ever since I was a kid my family noticed that I don’t have any close friends, my dad been transferred a lot..from one place to another,his job mad him to do so, so the chances for me to have a very close friend was very less, i mean a real close friend who grew up with you and shared a childhood with you, so every time we've arrived at one place and settled things up there, i would just stick with family, stayed home..especially stayed with my late grandmother whom i guess was my friend that time hahah.. because i belief that we were always a stranger and realized we wouldn't stay long at certain place..so i thought what was the use in having a friend if at last i would certainly said goodbye and lost contact with them ( errrr..in my time mobile phone, SMS, Internet , facebook ,twitter & etc were still an Alien...so to keep in touch was impossible, mail by post was the only way hahha...) ...so I didn’t go out and played like normal kids did...I'd rather stayed home and did my own and most favorite thing...reading!!! I created my own world through these kind of books, especially those by Enid Blyton, Sherlock Holmes and Stephen Kings. My problem kept continuing till I decided to change by went for a school that has a hostel. Of course it was far from my home and i thought that I could survive... However things didn’t come out as planned... I ruined everything and almost disappear from life. it was a very tragic experiences. As I grew up I learned many things, I studied to the higher level of achievement and tried to get my carrier expanded. And know I’m away from my comfort zone and tried to survive. It’s hard day by day facing new challenges but friends made my life easier...I do feel like stranger in Kuching but I avoid being one by acting like I’m the easy type to get along with...I did it, I didn’t judge them by the looks or any other external factors, and had to be brave to approach them even if sometimes it embarrassed me..It was hard at first and there were times when i really sick of played 'Mr. friendly'...But now things are different...As the clock tickling of counting time to go home it is now changing of how I wish I could stop it and extend the time here…I realize that it’s now hard to say goodbye to them... to be honest I fall in love with Kuching...How the miracle of friendship unites the differences in ethnic, religion, races, language, ages, title, job and everything..I feel like i was at home whenever i was with them...When I miss my family I just set up my mind that they are also could be my family... and they really treated me like one...for my transportation, my security, my comfortability, hospitality, my meal and most important my 'F.R.I.E.N.D.S' when I needed one!!! Funny when they spoke in their language and I tried hard to understand and even answered in that language...haha...When they laughed at me they were actually cheered me up...But, the closer I get the harder I would say goodbye...because I know the fact that all the moments won’t happen again...I hope I’ll be in their memory forever like I do keep them in mine…to the staff of the hotel that so called my home, thanks and sorry for everything... without realizing it you guys were my strengths in some other way..Not to worry that I know the fact that I have my bloodline here as I am half Ibanese...so who knows if there's a big possibility that I might come back to Kuching…!!! ‘Agi idup agi ngelaban”

P/s: this notes was created almost 2 years ago, some of my friends in this story were already gone to be with the Mighty Creator, some were already married to each other (this is funny facts~haha @_~) and build a happy family and some still at the hotel where i have stayed before...this really taught me that life keep changing...it's normal when it's not static, and its abnormal if you keep thinking of staying the same..one day you are here, next you are gone..today you might be alone but tomorrow who knows you could have someone closer to fill that loneliness...& no matter what we must go on..

Friday, August 5, 2011

..in my heart, in my mind and through my eyes~

...there are so many things to say..sometimes i feel like want to speak them out..screaming and let these things flow out to make my heart and mind clearer and lighter...but i just can never do that...even if i do ,they will always take it for wrong.. misunderstand & throw them back at me as if they were all my mistake..i admit it sometime..maybe what's happening to me up till this moment are the consequences of my past...yeahh..i can never leave them behind..cause it will always remind me who was i, what did i do and the most important is what can i do to rectify things back to perfect~ perfect? i dont think so...i wont be perfect..but i can seek things that can make me at least cover up my flaw..because i always believe human can never be perfect! between perfect and imperfect, i guess i am closer to imperfect..well, again who am i to judge even myself..so through the eyes of others at least i got to know how perfect i am..or i should say how fit i am in this chaotic life....
...what's in my heart and mind only me and HIM who know it..but like people always say that eyes are the window through our self..so they claim that they can predict and even know me through the look of the eye...how far do you believe that? most people say that if you wanna catch a liar look straight in their eye when we are talking to them, and they are busted if they try to avoid your stare when you talk to them...but how can you be sure if when you look at their eyes and still they can even stare back at yours? steadily and normal?..deep in my heart, there's a part of me which will never ever telling lies...
there's a part of me when being with you is real and honest..i just dont want to express it...so if you ever ask and have doubt on what do i feel on our friendship, please never be worry because a real part of myself even if it just a little ...always want to stay with you..it's just i can't say it out loud..i did before and that hurted me and left me the scars..every looks ,gestures, expressions and words are real..even if i say it in a laugh as if im joking but theres always a little truth...and that little truth is still counted if you want the truth..well, i never ask you to trust me..but please have at least a little faith in me...i never want to betray the relationship...i never want to lose a friend..& what's more important i never want to be your burden for my past will haunting you as well just because you always stay by my side...and all these are the reason why i walked off from your life ...believe me,i may never walk beside you anymore but my pray and remembrance are walking with you always ,no matter wherever you are..peace~

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

..bazaar Ramadhan @ Asia City...huhuhu...

Assalammualaikum ...
..ermmm today is our 4th day of fasting in this holy month...im still thinking of what to have for my 'sungkai'..i went to the bazaar Ramadhan yesterday and bought my favorite food which is 'nasi kerabu'...i just don't know why must i have this nasi kerabu especially during the month of Ramadhan~ perhaps because they dont sell it when its not the Ramadhan ...or maybe because im just being influenced by others who also buy it..okay, talking about this weird Malay cuisine, i can say this is one interesting malay recipe..personally i love the taste and the way that they serve the rice..unlike any other ordinary rice, nasi kerabu is one of a kind. The color, texture, ingredients and lots of others combination makes it extraordinary..its blue,mixed with several others vegitables or herbs plants and also a little taste of coconut milk and kerisik add on the shredded fish meat..woohohooooo..(mouth watering while typing this hahahah)....besides that you can add on another extra side dishes for the 'lauk' which are marinated fried chicken , fish,beef,salted egg and so on....huhuhu..( i wish im now at bazaar ramadhan hahah) ...
...so for 2 days in a row i had this nasi for sungkai..what surprised me was the price..on the first day i bought the nasi it cost me RM7.50, and thought that it made sense as i asked for additional lauk like fried chicken, fried fish and salted egg..but on 2nd day i bought the same nasi and the price increased another RM0.50!!! i was like what the!!!!! all that i asked were salted egg, fried chicken and a chili stuffed with fish meat! ok so i thought that also made sense as those ingredients definitely expensive..huuhuhuhu...so today i'll try not to waste any money by trying not to go to Asia City ..( yeah riteeeee) ok so i will go BUT i will buy other menu than nasi kerabu huuhuhuh...lets see if i can hold on to that hahah...so my advice please bring extra money as you can never expect when they put on the price...and please buy only food that you need..do not over budget!!
.. as i was carrying my sungkai meal, i passed through several other people..they might looked the same and be at the place where we were but the was nothing to carry at their hand! they were just wondered around with many kids followed them ..the looks, the dress and the way they spoke were showing me that they actually were less fortunate..and as i looked to the other part which was not far from us i saw another group of people who wore a very nice clothes tried to avoid the heat of the sun ray with their shades while carefully avoided people around them from being contacted to their body..walked in a snobbish way and even asked for the food from the seller in an unpleasant voice ...they were really trying not to let other people from touching their "luxury" body and went deeper into the stall as if they were special customer..and the stall owner ignored the rest of us and entertained these people they even spoke in their native language...so they came from the same place that made them deserved a special service? again i was like 'what the....!!!' and the rest of us just looked at their acts and the only thing i could do was felt sympathy on these kind of snobbish people..huhuh..it's holy month and yet they were so selfish...i walked off the place with a little dissatisfied feeling and a bit anger in my heart...this is the REALITY OF THE WORLD TODAY~

Monday, August 1, 2011

..Ramadhan is here again...

Assalammualaikum...
..as early in the morning i've arrived at the office..for the fact that today is our 1st day of fasting so i have to get used to wake up earlier than before ..its not that i didn't wake up earlier before but now i got to have our 'early breakfast' or so called sahur..well, its normal things to do within this holy month just a few minutes before the dawn prayer start..what if we miss the sahur? for some people it'll be a troublesome as it is the food for the day or should i say for the whole daytime!!..it gives us energy to do our daily task..but for some it's just nothing on them.. i mean this kind of people have a very strong body that they dont even need a meal for the whole day! as for me whether having the sahur or not it depend..if i miss it then i try to save my energy by not doing much in everything but if i do have it than the activities will just go as usual..
what is so important on these days of Ramadhan is for me to get bless from Allah and these are the days that i'll try seeking for the bless and gain as much as i can in doing the good deeds..deep in my heart i always think if all ive done during the fasting month being accepted by HIM? are those difficulties ive been through were a test or the consequences for i didnt deliver my responsibility to my religion??? ..and for what am i truly is only me and HIM who knows it..will HE grands me HIS blesses...i keep thinking that all of that are the test for me to be stronger and reaching my objectives towards Jannah..
Just before the fasting month began its day, i started to think of all my past..especially on the days like this..from when i was a kid, school time, college time and up till today..i myself still trying to figure out what will be the end of me..only a few people that i knew will understand what i mean..its not that i am expressing my dissatisfied and my frustration by doing this blog but somehow i need to have my opinion, experiences and life's lesson being recorded..so i NEVER ASK PEOPLE to read this..its up to you guys..plus i am nobody~
..unlike any other Ramadhan before, today i really feel awkward..im in the state of losing something but i dont know what is it..to tell the truth i'm trying hard to figure out what ive been missing or what's wrong is going on...the sadness, frustration and dissatisfied feeling are burdening me inside but im trying not to show it as we are in the holy month..i cant deny that some people can look through my face and even talk about it ..i mean they do ask but wisely i answered that im in my 'energy saving mode' as we are fasting...i notice that ever since i've find out the PTD result last time it has causing me feeling down! yeahhh...its for real, sometimes i feel like i'm a zombie..im walking but lifeless, breathing on the misty, dusty dead air..huhuhuh...i do my job,doing it only to let the time pass by till the night fall and when my surrounding is getting dark only then i have the courage to walk and i feel i can breath easily, feel comfort with the earphone at my ear, i think the hand phone is a man best friend haha..but wait a minute,that makes sense as we all know night in the city makes the ambiances around felt colder and the air gets lighter & THAT SHOULD BE THE MAIN POINT HERE hehe...simply say its not easy to be me..people may say im good at this and that..i have a great personality, cheering up others, i may laugh or talking out loud in joyful but deep inside me is really different..
the needs to be with the community and making friends make me do what i hate to do..i cant be the real me which are fussy and rebellious because that will make people stay away from me...so i have to turn those bad feeling to the good stuff..eventhough i did it but it really hurts...and so i keep doing these again and again ,over and over..and im really tired of all these..really tired even to let the tear drops...
Being here on this condition nowadays makes me realize that whatever happened in my past, whoever came passes through my journey and wherever places ive been at are an important parts and lesson for me to grow up..i know my life will never be better than anyone else but there are a chapters that is so special which no one else could ever experience it...and usually Ramadhan will be the month for me to be a better person..InsyaAllah...till then..happy fasting~Ramadhan Al Mubarakh..