..Ramadhan is here again...

..as early in the morning i've arrived at the office..for the fact that today is our 1st day of fasting so i have to get used to wake up earlier than before ..its not that i didn't wake up earlier before but now i got to have our 'early breakfast' or so called sahur..well, its normal things to do within this holy month just a few minutes before the dawn prayer start..what if we miss the sahur? for some people it'll be a troublesome as it is the food for the day or should i say for the whole daytime!!..it gives us energy to do our daily task..but for some it's just nothing on them.. i mean this kind of people have a very strong body that they dont even need a meal for the whole day! as for me whether having the sahur or not it depend..if i miss it then i try to save my energy by not doing much in everything but if i do have it than the activities will just go as usual..
what is so important on these days of Ramadhan is for me to get bless from Allah and these are the days that i'll try seeking for the bless and gain as much as i can in doing the good deeds..deep in my heart i always think if all ive done during the fasting month being accepted by HIM? are those difficulties ive been through were a test or the consequences for i didnt deliver my responsibility to my religion??? ..and for what am i truly is only me and HIM who knows it..will HE grands me HIS blesses...i keep thinking that all of that are the test for me to be stronger and reaching my objectives towards Jannah..
Just before the fasting month began its day, i started to think of all my past..especially on the days like this..from when i was a kid, school time, college time and up till today..i myself still trying to figure out what will be the end of me..only a few people that i knew will understand what i mean..its not that i am expressing my dissatisfied and my frustration by doing this blog but somehow i need to have my opinion, experiences and life's lesson being recorded..so i NEVER ASK PEOPLE to read this..its up to you guys..plus i am nobody~
..unlike any other Ramadhan before, today i really feel awkward..im in the state of losing something but i dont know what is it..to tell the truth i'm trying hard to figure out what ive been missing or what's wrong is going on...the sadness, frustration and dissatisfied feeling are burdening me inside but im trying not to show it as we are in the holy month..i cant deny that some people can look through my face and even talk about it ..i mean they do ask but wisely i answered that im in my 'energy saving mode' as we are fasting...i notice that ever since i've find out the PTD result last time it has causing me feeling down! yeahhh...its for real, sometimes i feel like i'm a zombie..im walking but lifeless, breathing on the misty, dusty dead air..huhuhuh...i do my job,doing it only to let the time pass by till the night fall and when my surrounding is getting dark only then i have the courage to walk and i feel i can breath easily, feel comfort with the earphone at my ear, i think the hand phone is a man best friend haha..but wait a minute,that makes sense as we all know night in the city makes the ambiances around felt colder and the air gets lighter & THAT SHOULD BE THE MAIN POINT HERE hehe...simply say its not easy to be me..people may say im good at this and that..i have a great personality, cheering up others, i may laugh or talking out loud in joyful but deep inside me is really different..
the needs to be with the community and making friends make me do what i hate to do..i cant be the real me which are fussy and rebellious because that will make people stay away from me...so i have to turn those bad feeling to the good stuff..eventhough i did it but it really hurts...and so i keep doing these again and again ,over and over..and im really tired of all these..really tired even to let the tear drops...
Being here on this condition nowadays makes me realize that whatever happened in my past, whoever came passes through my journey and wherever places ive been at are an important parts and lesson for me to grow up..i know my life will never be better than anyone else but there are a chapters that is so special which no one else could ever experience it...and usually Ramadhan will be the month for me to be a better person..InsyaAllah...till then..happy fasting~Ramadhan Al Mubarakh..


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