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Saturday, December 10, 2011

...so long my friend~W.M.S :')

...6 months have already pass since ive started working in the college..& i never thought that i would've met someone whom i thought was already lost contact with me as i lost his number before.We've known each other when i was participating the PAC (i mentioned about him in my previous post).He was one of the candidate in the PAC-PTD. Ok,that was good time, because when he approached me i was like i needed someone whom at least know about what to do..& yes, he was the one! he had been in that test before as that was the 2nd time he participated it with me.he helped me a lot then! ok enough with that PTD stuff!
...so moving on, i started the new job in that college..that was the time when i met him again! he did gave me his phone number when we met for the first time but something went wrong with my BB n i formatted it & lost all numbers including his number ( i didnt save his number in sim card!).Then one fine Friday, i was in the mosque for Friday prayer when suddenly he approached me. i surprised but happy because of he found me at last, i did thinking about him but could not do anything. So we exchanged the contact number again and planned to go lunch together as both of us are working in the same building and the friendship is blooming again..almost everyday we would met up and enjoy our lunch while in the same time share almost every story..family, job, friend, problem...just name it...he's very smart but timid a bit..
...as for me, lunch was no longer alone or not only spending that hour in the pantry listening to gossips and complaints..i did go out with my colleague but not everyone of them..only certain people who sometimes needed to go with someone else..so i seldom go out for lunch since then..lunch time through my view is kind a special time when we are working in an office hour. It is the time when we need to release a tension after being in the office the whole daytime, the time when we are in our true colors. so having my lunch with this friend of mine is very good indeed as he's one of the smartest friend i ever have. i can always ask for an opinion, suggestion, learning new things and knowledge or even share some life experiences..throughout the time we spent together, I've discover many things about how different our world is..the lunch meal itself sometimes shows how ones view about life could be showing the way of he's living the life..in him i can say that he's one perfect person I have ever known..the story of his childhood, college life , friends and family had given me a beautiful view of how someone as perfect as him is very humble to even being my friend though i never know what is his view on this..but i feel

thankful as Allah gives me chances to meet this kind of people..
on the other side, my story of life and in almost every aspects are never be the same (definitely) like what he has..there's a time when i had to hold my tongue as i'm afraid on his perception on me. What if he knows the hard truth about my past? would he ever has the good view on me?? so, i didnt talk so much on that side. I just dont like it when people be my friend because of they feel sorry for me..i dont need their sympathy..or maybe after knowing the truth they simply avoiding me..this is what ive been through a lot before..so, i always tell myself that if someone have a perfect life i better do not interfere in their life by be one of their friend..even be someone's friend is a commitment, where you need to be there for them in anytime they need you..as they always say, 'a friend in need is a friend indeed'~
...then, one day he told me that he's about to move on working at other place which is far from where we are now..looking for better future and gaining more experience in his profession and i was like..ok, we met, we had lost each other and then he found me and now he's leaving for good........now who will accompany me for lunch? the fact that things will never be the same again.lunch time will never be the same again after this..am i exaggerating? come on, its only a lunch. a one ordinary hour of break in the day time...hoho..its not like that for me...it means a lot. i really feel that im losing a comrade in my battle to achieve success..we both know what we are chasing..its like we are sharing the similar dreams..but seeing our friend pursuing their dreams in a hope makes me understand the situation.
Last friday we talked about a topic that is very weird in my view.It was love. I guess it was a very rare topic and we seldom talk about it as far as i remember..it was funny remembering and recalling back those puppy love story in each of our memories..so we had time to learn through our mistakes and got to share some tips to do better next time hahaha...and i guess that will be the last time we do that...he will work in KL and move there for long time i guess..its like he's already planned that..so i guess 2 to 3 years are the minimum time for him to work there..and he could be settling down there haha...honestly i envy his life, his freedom and his wisdom..i wish i could do the same soaring higher anywhere to achieve my dream..i keep praying that i will successfully have my big time..well, its very hard to find such a good people and friend like him, and usually this kind of person are the one who leave me so soon..hey, ive experience this many times....im still get used with this situation ...to my friend, go fly higher and reach the dream..i may not be on your side but my spirit and my prayer will always be with you..may Allah bless all my friends...

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

..The truth about routine~

...some people may think that i have issue with even my own life, & others may think that its okay for me to think so..but the real feeling is always depend on who is living in his or her own life...and so ...i would always say that each time i step out from my bedroom (the safest and coziest place on earth so far...) i really feel like stepping out to the really challenge and more trouble journey that i have to face with no other option i can choose! i need to ring the alarm in my head and begin to say wake up and these are all reality..a very inconvenience truth..what so sad and frustrated is when there is sometimes when i feel so down and hopeless but there are no place for me to rely on..at least a place that i can hide my problem which later can conceal my weakness.. its the same situation when a man always being told to not to cry but still a man is an ordinary human and sometimes need to cry..so go ahead and cry somewhere that no people can see..im very sure that no matter how tough you are but still there's sometime when you feel really delicate and almost breakdown inside... i always say to my younger sister that tough guy don't cry, but i have to admit that i am no tough guy...tears are the expression of what burdening in the heart, a relief after for so long keeping the emotion like a hard and ice cold form which later melt into a a liquid that make us warm and comfort..i guess that's why it's warm...my heart cant hold up and keep a lot more matter especially the sad and painful ..i already have a reserved space for my bitter past..and i cant make it gone...cant erase them either..so again the only thing i can do is to make a door over that full space, lock it and keep a sign of no trespassing..and over now my heart almost full of it..and im afraid that one day i will close the whole space in my heart~

Sunday, October 23, 2011

...a promising one fine day...

...errrr..how long since i don't write anything on my blog? well, i don't count actually...really hate counting haha..
i was laying on the mattress counting the sheep to sleep but all the posts that i read just before i go to bed made me thinking deeply and honestly it hurts me a little..i know many will say why so serious or sensitive..those posts are definitely not for me..but what they posted don't take any matter of sensitivity of touching others personal in many aspects especially when it comes to the religious matter!
..and as for me looking back on friend's pages is like going down on my past and what will i be..i don't know but it always feels like going along the fierce stream with many sharp and hard stone with the uncontrollable current..which the only option is for you just to follow the flow..that's how i feel every time i look through the pages!
i thought why cant i be just like them?..these people who mostly i know kinda having a perfect life, getting better each time and the worse is they are having my dream..huhuuh...i may be like an idiot but at least i say it clearly and revealing on what i felt ...this is the true emotion and i don't feel shame or afraid to say it out loud...errr at least in this blog..hey these are counted anyway haha...
but then again, i need to think like matured and someone who is holding the faith to my creator...yeah HE knows what im going through , HE plans this wisely and HE determines what am i going to be...i feel guilty on my thought before and start looking at the bright side of every occurrences through out of my life...
so i smile say a prayer and try to be more positive and optimist, and im very sure that one day i will look back on these days with smile on my face, so doesn't matter
with all these tears today because they gonna pay for all those awaiting smile of one fine day~InsyaAllah.

Saturday, August 27, 2011

...to know is to love?

..i really had a good time yesterday as it was the last day of working before the Raya..so i was busy running here and there..and of course the kitchen is a must in my list to visit every day..in fact i even tell people around me that if there's only one reason that make me stay in my workplace now is the 'kitchen!' hehe...this kitchen is located nearby at my office..each time the staff need to go to the wash room they can see it as we will pass it by on the way to the wash room...plus most of my family and friend know that cooking is my passion..so having the 'kitchen' here is a bonus for me to work here...yes they do have the rules & regulation that not everyone are allowed in the kitchen but as a staff i dont think its a harm or inappropriate action for me to be in that kitchen just to share and help those students and other colleagues. being in that kitchen has given me much opportunity to know other people whether the students or the staff..so i can say that most of the students who are close to me now are from the culinary art course...the more often i come to the kitchen the more people i know and the more knowledge and skills i gained in cooking~

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

...Raya preparation~???? make up then break up the 'setting'!

...6 more days to go to our big day..soon enough Raya will come & it's like im being forced to do all the chores routinely..annually..but hey, no compromise because everyone does it on Raya Celebration..ok, so i have to start now..fortunately i have my 'assistance' and we did it haha..setting up the new set of curtain frame was a troublesome as this was the new thing in my life..modern day's curtain is really weird but convenience in a way..
talking about Raya celebration, i could never escape from thinking about relationship. doesn't matter with family or friends..they say ,Raya time would be the best time to make up or even to start a fresh beginning..i would have to agree on that...but i ruined something even before Raya!
i just couldn't figure it out what's wrong with my relationship around me..ok so i made up with my family,but then another friendship is about to break up ...or should i say had broken up! people that i used to adore and care a lot ,came up & tested my patience? i mean what did they want from it??? at first place they came out of nowhere after missing in my life for such a long time...so i had to move on without their supports..but until last week they showed up and made things tangled up, started to say that i had change, I'm not who i used to be & telling me about how i made them upset...and i was blamed for all the messed up...a few questions lingered in my mind when these happened...why would they never ask me what was my problem? or maybe they could have asked me if they could lend their ears, or maybe shoulders for all tragedy that i had been going through ALONE??? and as usual i kept silence on my own...because if i keep searching for those questions to be answered i might break more heart..hurting more feeling...i just cant figure these out ...is it fair to me...??i said nothing..i didn't know how to react....and just pray things will be better on its own...& in the end the matter of who's to be blamed and the reason of why these things happen will arise..creating a maze, leaving me with headache and even hurting me from the inside..as they always say..'“Silence is one of the hardest arguments to refute'..and i did that...rather than keep saying wrong things and making more mistakes i kept silence...and only speak to certain people...here in this workplace i try harder to not telling 'them' that i am now being here...& while waiting for the next best thing to happen i pray a lot to Allah to send me away far from these problems..because i believe when i start my new 'career' soon (errrr..i always believe in this..yeahh rite!), it will locate me away from my hometown and i don't really care about that..why do i have to stay back here when most people don't even know how to appreciate me?

Sunday, August 21, 2011

...the chasing past..

...i never expect that the past would chase me up to my current state now...really shocked tonight! who would've expect the determination would bring them to me...i dont know what to react...it's really awkward...im now confuse myself out...what do i feel now? only God knows...neither like nor dislike ,i cant say it accurately what am i feeling now..when i was ready for a new beginning and then the past interfered ,what would you do? those past were not that bad instead they were my teachers and guidance in going through the future ahead...but there must be a little disappointment in every experiences...otherwise there wouldn't be a phrase ' bittersweet memories' ...ironically they mention 'bitter' at the front of the word...~& im getting sleepy to continue this blog ..z..z.zzz z ZZZ.. *

Thursday, August 18, 2011

...the truth behind the smile...

...its already the 18th day of Ramadhan..& im still as usual extremely tired after came back from work..we were having a program which was the break fasting with the staff and students..it was fun & i had my chances to meet more colleagues & students..& as usual not all of them participated when i think they should do that as they are the 'educator' but what I've seen they even being selfish and arrogant ..i couldn't understand ..why is that so proud being tutor while the attitude is so sucks like shit! with the ignorance, don't even want to say hi & what worst some even called me with the 'ehh!' calling??? i mean what the hell??? they came to my desk, asked for thing to borrow but didnt even want to know my name??? whay is it so hard to ask for it? i know im new but it has already been almost 3 months & i know more people whom i see very nice and down to earth..& these people even have higher education background..they thought they are right but they are totally stupid and sucks!
ok enough with the bad topics, back in my office surrounding with my friends made me realize something pure and honest....
i notice that some of my colleagues are trying to hide the emotion and their problem..i know some of the stories and they even share it with me...but what made me surprise and even inspired by them ..all those problems doesn't affect their relationship with me and the rest..i know they might not deliver their task to the best effort but what i could see they still trying and even help others in doing their own..knowing all the truth behind their smile and laugh , behind all the jokes and fun that they used to cover their sorrows and sadness made me so emotional..what can i do when the truth that i know what is going on yet they keep smiling and laughing with me..???as if they have no problem...a little joke that i make keeps they laughing and smiling the whole day and when its time to go home each of us will bring the laugh and smile as a memory and make it as a medicine in our hard life...the truth is , no one knows the truth behind the smile..the hard truth...that tear our heart...and we will keep smiling and amusing people around with our joke and fun story....and for the bitter part? lets keep it inside..because we know HE always know and guide us through these hard life...

Sunday, August 7, 2011

..notes from Kuching ~

A few days ago i was checking on my Sony memory stick as i needed to find the old pictures remain in it when I've found an old notes which i wrote when i was in Kuching for the first time...i ought to transfer it to the blog but that time i didn't have one..and as I like to write out my feeling so i wrote it and save it in my memory stick...i think now is the perfect time for me to preserve the notes by keeping it in this blog as i already have one...enjoy reading it~;

I’m the type who is reluctant to have relationship unless with my family. I always try to hide my past and weakness since I don’t know how to be proud of myself. However being in Kuching for almost 4 months with no relative made me realize that friendship is a miracle. Ever since I was a kid my family noticed that I don’t have any close friends, my dad been transferred a lot..from one place to another,his job mad him to do so, so the chances for me to have a very close friend was very less, i mean a real close friend who grew up with you and shared a childhood with you, so every time we've arrived at one place and settled things up there, i would just stick with family, stayed home..especially stayed with my late grandmother whom i guess was my friend that time hahah.. because i belief that we were always a stranger and realized we wouldn't stay long at certain place..so i thought what was the use in having a friend if at last i would certainly said goodbye and lost contact with them ( errrr..in my time mobile phone, SMS, Internet , facebook ,twitter & etc were still an Alien...so to keep in touch was impossible, mail by post was the only way hahha...) ...so I didn’t go out and played like normal kids did...I'd rather stayed home and did my own and most favorite thing...reading!!! I created my own world through these kind of books, especially those by Enid Blyton, Sherlock Holmes and Stephen Kings. My problem kept continuing till I decided to change by went for a school that has a hostel. Of course it was far from my home and i thought that I could survive... However things didn’t come out as planned... I ruined everything and almost disappear from life. it was a very tragic experiences. As I grew up I learned many things, I studied to the higher level of achievement and tried to get my carrier expanded. And know I’m away from my comfort zone and tried to survive. It’s hard day by day facing new challenges but friends made my life easier...I do feel like stranger in Kuching but I avoid being one by acting like I’m the easy type to get along with...I did it, I didn’t judge them by the looks or any other external factors, and had to be brave to approach them even if sometimes it embarrassed me..It was hard at first and there were times when i really sick of played 'Mr. friendly'...But now things are different...As the clock tickling of counting time to go home it is now changing of how I wish I could stop it and extend the time here…I realize that it’s now hard to say goodbye to them... to be honest I fall in love with Kuching...How the miracle of friendship unites the differences in ethnic, religion, races, language, ages, title, job and everything..I feel like i was at home whenever i was with them...When I miss my family I just set up my mind that they are also could be my family... and they really treated me like one...for my transportation, my security, my comfortability, hospitality, my meal and most important my 'F.R.I.E.N.D.S' when I needed one!!! Funny when they spoke in their language and I tried hard to understand and even answered in that language...haha...When they laughed at me they were actually cheered me up...But, the closer I get the harder I would say goodbye...because I know the fact that all the moments won’t happen again...I hope I’ll be in their memory forever like I do keep them in mine…to the staff of the hotel that so called my home, thanks and sorry for everything... without realizing it you guys were my strengths in some other way..Not to worry that I know the fact that I have my bloodline here as I am half Ibanese...so who knows if there's a big possibility that I might come back to Kuching…!!! ‘Agi idup agi ngelaban”

P/s: this notes was created almost 2 years ago, some of my friends in this story were already gone to be with the Mighty Creator, some were already married to each other (this is funny facts~haha @_~) and build a happy family and some still at the hotel where i have stayed before...this really taught me that life keep changing...it's normal when it's not static, and its abnormal if you keep thinking of staying the same..one day you are here, next you are gone..today you might be alone but tomorrow who knows you could have someone closer to fill that loneliness...& no matter what we must go on..

Friday, August 5, 2011

..in my heart, in my mind and through my eyes~

...there are so many things to say..sometimes i feel like want to speak them out..screaming and let these things flow out to make my heart and mind clearer and lighter...but i just can never do that...even if i do ,they will always take it for wrong.. misunderstand & throw them back at me as if they were all my mistake..i admit it sometime..maybe what's happening to me up till this moment are the consequences of my past...yeahh..i can never leave them behind..cause it will always remind me who was i, what did i do and the most important is what can i do to rectify things back to perfect~ perfect? i dont think so...i wont be perfect..but i can seek things that can make me at least cover up my flaw..because i always believe human can never be perfect! between perfect and imperfect, i guess i am closer to imperfect..well, again who am i to judge even myself..so through the eyes of others at least i got to know how perfect i am..or i should say how fit i am in this chaotic life....
...what's in my heart and mind only me and HIM who know it..but like people always say that eyes are the window through our self..so they claim that they can predict and even know me through the look of the eye...how far do you believe that? most people say that if you wanna catch a liar look straight in their eye when we are talking to them, and they are busted if they try to avoid your stare when you talk to them...but how can you be sure if when you look at their eyes and still they can even stare back at yours? steadily and normal?..deep in my heart, there's a part of me which will never ever telling lies...
there's a part of me when being with you is real and honest..i just dont want to express it...so if you ever ask and have doubt on what do i feel on our friendship, please never be worry because a real part of myself even if it just a little ...always want to stay with you..it's just i can't say it out loud..i did before and that hurted me and left me the scars..every looks ,gestures, expressions and words are real..even if i say it in a laugh as if im joking but theres always a little truth...and that little truth is still counted if you want the truth..well, i never ask you to trust me..but please have at least a little faith in me...i never want to betray the relationship...i never want to lose a friend..& what's more important i never want to be your burden for my past will haunting you as well just because you always stay by my side...and all these are the reason why i walked off from your life ...believe me,i may never walk beside you anymore but my pray and remembrance are walking with you always ,no matter wherever you are..peace~

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

..bazaar Ramadhan @ Asia City...huhuhu...

Assalammualaikum ...
..ermmm today is our 4th day of fasting in this holy month...im still thinking of what to have for my 'sungkai'..i went to the bazaar Ramadhan yesterday and bought my favorite food which is 'nasi kerabu'...i just don't know why must i have this nasi kerabu especially during the month of Ramadhan~ perhaps because they dont sell it when its not the Ramadhan ...or maybe because im just being influenced by others who also buy it..okay, talking about this weird Malay cuisine, i can say this is one interesting malay recipe..personally i love the taste and the way that they serve the rice..unlike any other ordinary rice, nasi kerabu is one of a kind. The color, texture, ingredients and lots of others combination makes it extraordinary..its blue,mixed with several others vegitables or herbs plants and also a little taste of coconut milk and kerisik add on the shredded fish meat..woohohooooo..(mouth watering while typing this hahahah)....besides that you can add on another extra side dishes for the 'lauk' which are marinated fried chicken , fish,beef,salted egg and so on....huhuhu..( i wish im now at bazaar ramadhan hahah) ...
...so for 2 days in a row i had this nasi for sungkai..what surprised me was the price..on the first day i bought the nasi it cost me RM7.50, and thought that it made sense as i asked for additional lauk like fried chicken, fried fish and salted egg..but on 2nd day i bought the same nasi and the price increased another RM0.50!!! i was like what the!!!!! all that i asked were salted egg, fried chicken and a chili stuffed with fish meat! ok so i thought that also made sense as those ingredients definitely expensive..huuhuhuhu...so today i'll try not to waste any money by trying not to go to Asia City ..( yeah riteeeee) ok so i will go BUT i will buy other menu than nasi kerabu huuhuhuh...lets see if i can hold on to that hahah...so my advice please bring extra money as you can never expect when they put on the price...and please buy only food that you need..do not over budget!!
.. as i was carrying my sungkai meal, i passed through several other people..they might looked the same and be at the place where we were but the was nothing to carry at their hand! they were just wondered around with many kids followed them ..the looks, the dress and the way they spoke were showing me that they actually were less fortunate..and as i looked to the other part which was not far from us i saw another group of people who wore a very nice clothes tried to avoid the heat of the sun ray with their shades while carefully avoided people around them from being contacted to their body..walked in a snobbish way and even asked for the food from the seller in an unpleasant voice ...they were really trying not to let other people from touching their "luxury" body and went deeper into the stall as if they were special customer..and the stall owner ignored the rest of us and entertained these people they even spoke in their native language...so they came from the same place that made them deserved a special service? again i was like 'what the....!!!' and the rest of us just looked at their acts and the only thing i could do was felt sympathy on these kind of snobbish people..huhuh..it's holy month and yet they were so selfish...i walked off the place with a little dissatisfied feeling and a bit anger in my heart...this is the REALITY OF THE WORLD TODAY~

Monday, August 1, 2011

..Ramadhan is here again...

Assalammualaikum...
..as early in the morning i've arrived at the office..for the fact that today is our 1st day of fasting so i have to get used to wake up earlier than before ..its not that i didn't wake up earlier before but now i got to have our 'early breakfast' or so called sahur..well, its normal things to do within this holy month just a few minutes before the dawn prayer start..what if we miss the sahur? for some people it'll be a troublesome as it is the food for the day or should i say for the whole daytime!!..it gives us energy to do our daily task..but for some it's just nothing on them.. i mean this kind of people have a very strong body that they dont even need a meal for the whole day! as for me whether having the sahur or not it depend..if i miss it then i try to save my energy by not doing much in everything but if i do have it than the activities will just go as usual..
what is so important on these days of Ramadhan is for me to get bless from Allah and these are the days that i'll try seeking for the bless and gain as much as i can in doing the good deeds..deep in my heart i always think if all ive done during the fasting month being accepted by HIM? are those difficulties ive been through were a test or the consequences for i didnt deliver my responsibility to my religion??? ..and for what am i truly is only me and HIM who knows it..will HE grands me HIS blesses...i keep thinking that all of that are the test for me to be stronger and reaching my objectives towards Jannah..
Just before the fasting month began its day, i started to think of all my past..especially on the days like this..from when i was a kid, school time, college time and up till today..i myself still trying to figure out what will be the end of me..only a few people that i knew will understand what i mean..its not that i am expressing my dissatisfied and my frustration by doing this blog but somehow i need to have my opinion, experiences and life's lesson being recorded..so i NEVER ASK PEOPLE to read this..its up to you guys..plus i am nobody~
..unlike any other Ramadhan before, today i really feel awkward..im in the state of losing something but i dont know what is it..to tell the truth i'm trying hard to figure out what ive been missing or what's wrong is going on...the sadness, frustration and dissatisfied feeling are burdening me inside but im trying not to show it as we are in the holy month..i cant deny that some people can look through my face and even talk about it ..i mean they do ask but wisely i answered that im in my 'energy saving mode' as we are fasting...i notice that ever since i've find out the PTD result last time it has causing me feeling down! yeahhh...its for real, sometimes i feel like i'm a zombie..im walking but lifeless, breathing on the misty, dusty dead air..huhuhuh...i do my job,doing it only to let the time pass by till the night fall and when my surrounding is getting dark only then i have the courage to walk and i feel i can breath easily, feel comfort with the earphone at my ear, i think the hand phone is a man best friend haha..but wait a minute,that makes sense as we all know night in the city makes the ambiances around felt colder and the air gets lighter & THAT SHOULD BE THE MAIN POINT HERE hehe...simply say its not easy to be me..people may say im good at this and that..i have a great personality, cheering up others, i may laugh or talking out loud in joyful but deep inside me is really different..
the needs to be with the community and making friends make me do what i hate to do..i cant be the real me which are fussy and rebellious because that will make people stay away from me...so i have to turn those bad feeling to the good stuff..eventhough i did it but it really hurts...and so i keep doing these again and again ,over and over..and im really tired of all these..really tired even to let the tear drops...
Being here on this condition nowadays makes me realize that whatever happened in my past, whoever came passes through my journey and wherever places ive been at are an important parts and lesson for me to grow up..i know my life will never be better than anyone else but there are a chapters that is so special which no one else could ever experience it...and usually Ramadhan will be the month for me to be a better person..InsyaAllah...till then..happy fasting~Ramadhan Al Mubarakh..

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

As life goes on...i move on...


Assalammualaikum...
its been a while that i have not writing in this blog...& i never expect that certain people would have interest to read my blog..hehe its such an honor for me..a million thanks...
well, after ignoring the blog for such long time,(it has been 2 months over ...) my life AGAIN is changing and im now trying hard to welcome the new things in this next phase of my life...it's actually not another phase but more to the new same experiences...yeahhh...im now working with another company and another position..well,who did expect right? in fact im blogging from workplace....hahah(of course the boss is OUT!!!)..
a million feelings plus expectations with many doubts are lingering in my mind since the first day Ive started this job...believe it or not i was almost quitting the job when i know the job specification ...somehow i told myself to give a try...furthermore there's no harm in trying aaittt!..
I think it's mostly true on what people always say that you can never avoid the kind of people whom i always call 'pain in the ass' (ooopsiiii sorry~)... Ive experienced this in the first month when i started...well i wont let these people bordering me as they have nothing to do with my life...& i'll make sure that they wont even crossing the unseen line of respecting me...they got to know their limitation though...because if they don't they'll have to accept the consequences..(believe me you don't want to know that!!!)
i keep telling myself everything will be fine..( huhuhuh i do believe this..) it's the pay that made me stay..that what was i thought at first..i know it sounds so materialistic and so selfish but hey! wake up people we are living in capitalism dictation nation!!! MONEY IS EVERYTHING~ & the fact that life's a rat race made me even wanted (more to needed...) to stay longer...got to be honest, actually i am now waiting for the best opportunity of my career development...I've already being accepted for the test in PTD ( i've mentioned about this in previous post..check it out!)..unfortunately even though i didn't fail it like the rest of us but im still stuck in the middle ...they give me a year of waiting and if only im lucky enough then i will get my chance within a year..hopefully it will happen...huhuhu...
i was almost break down too hard when i found out the result of the PTD interview...somehow i tried to control my emotion (yeah rite, as if i didn't go to toilet & almost dropped my tears....) a miracle happened as Allah sent His miracles not long after i felt despair..a best friend of mine called & asked me out...we had not seeing each other for quite long as he's living far from the city...he came at the right moments for a consultation for i needed that..thanks to Allah at least i had someone to talk and express my sadness BUT i just couldn't do that!!!!! all i wanted is everyone to feel happy ..my friend came from far to see me as he knows i am the fun type among his friends..so i made myself happy for the reason of making him happy as well!..but i wasn't so sure whether it worked as i noticed a lot of changes on us especially him i guess...huhu so it might be true somehow on what I've always hear that time & distance really could change the way people are huh? i know something wrong is going on with him in certain things but i dare not to ask because i wanted the outing to be happy...and i appreciate him as he's the kind of understand me more than others..its just that he's not that type of talking too much like i am..really pray that Allah blesses him..with a little experiences, advices and jokes sharing, they made the night grew shorter ....how i wish we could stay longer like we used to do...we had many funny memorable stuff together haha...as i sent him back to his home the thought came across my mind that I've learned that despite the distance between us, a real friendship grows across the miles and also that we should be open to a friend’s view as two people can look at the same thing and see something different....hopefully these thought & feeling are honestly true...but still the question arise in my mind if it's only me alone who think of all these?? urgghhh really hate those who force and fake their friendship...but i have a confident on this one... :')
Another week with the new life, i guess im growing smarter and stronger..try to chase away the bad feeling and making new friendships with more colleagues ....it works so far...huhhhhh...sometimes i feel so tired with this life of mine...what can i do is TO KEEP SURVIVE!!! and if the condition makes me struggle and rebel than i will fight~
The facts of this salvage life makes me keeps searching for more  REAL STRENGHT~ and i keep thinking that treating people around me is like "doing a campaign of saving the shark from the extinction!"..everyone knows that shark could kill & danger but their extinction will cause inequilibrium to the eco-system...same goes to these people...they are somehow could be mean and cruel but for the sake of the company they must be in the system & play that role!

Sunday, June 12, 2011

...dah sampai final stage~PTD interview!!

~phewwww...after so long time been waiting akhirnya aku trima gak surat jemputan keramat untuk ke interview PTD! hay wht did i expected?? well, u checked thru the website n found out that i passed the PAC test~rujuk entry sebelum ni for detail haha...memng benar sya ada menaruh harapan untuk lulus tetapi memndangkan ramai talent yg lebih hebat dri sya membuatkan sya ragu2 pada diri sndiri..dan sya rasa berkat doa saudara mara dan keluarga teah di makbulkan doa mereka dan saya..Alhamdulillah...
tiba hari interview plak satu hal, ye lah gara2 pengaruh kisah PTD dri internet sya mulai fikir kacau bilau..dan akhirnya tiba hari yg d nantikan sya pun pegi

Thursday, May 5, 2011

The House That Built Me~

I know they say you can’t go home again
I just had to come back one last time
Ma’am I know you don’t know me from Adam
But these handprints on the front steps are mine

Up those stairs in that little back bedroom
Is where I did my homework and I learned to play guitar
I bet you didn’t know under that live *tree
My favorite *cat is buried in the yard

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
This brokenness inside me might start healing
Out here it’s like I’m someone else
I thought that maybe I could find myself

If I could just come in I swear I’ll leave
Won’t take nothing but a memory
From the house that built me

Mama cut out pictures of houses for years
From Better Homes and Gardens magazine
Plans were drawn and concrete poured
Nail by nail and board by board
Daddy gave life to mama’s dream

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
This brokenness inside me might start healing
Out here it’s like I’m someone else
I thought that maybe I could find myself

If I could just come in I swear I’ll leave
Won’t take nothing but a memory
From the house that built me

You leave home and you move on and you do the best you can
I got lost in this old world and forgot who I am

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
This brokenness inside me might start healing
Out here it’s like I’m someone else
I thought that maybe I could find myself

If I could walk around I swear I’ll leave
Won’t take nothing but a memory
From the house that built me

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

...PTD??PAC?akhirnya sya berpengalaman menempuhnya...

Assalammualaikum...
Entry kali ni mau ckp pasal PTD...huh? apa itu? Pegawai Tadbir & Diplomatik..ya hampir semua yg sya kenal mesti tau & sebolehnya memohon masuk jawatan kerajaan ni...masih teringat sewaktu sya ambik test PTD ni..waktu sya di panggil menduduki test PTD untuk kali ke 3 dah! err..act, 1st time try waktu lepas grade..haha agak lucu waktu mau ambik test sya n colleague trpaksa tipu bos sebab dua2 kami dpt n kami dua lah juga pekerja di offis kecik tu hahahah..so mau di jadikan cerita..i went to the test..but as expected i didnt pass the test! ya lah..dah lah takda preparation..then time ambik test tu sya kebasahan dek kerna hujan lebat dan sya terpaksa jalan kaki ke tempat exam coz kereta parking jauh..so after a few months i checked & dah duga failed..tp takpa i tried apply lg..n kali kedua di panggil i was in Kuching, sedangkan pusat exam di KK..& time tu sya dah kerja dengan Shipping Company di Kuching..dahlah tempat tinggal di hotel selama almost 4 months di tanggung..so what did i expect? company mau tanggung flight untuk ambik PTD test di KK?hahaha..tak kan lah plak kan..so for the second time i had to let it go..but i didnt give up coz i knew saya akan apply lagi and akan di panggil..so for the 3rd time i took the exam....jeng jeng jeng..hahaha...
This time saya dapat panggilan exam lg..it was held di Federal building sebelah UMS tu...honestly time ambik 3rd time exam tu..sya btul2 dalam keadaan depressed..economy family tak menentu,sya pun takda kerja lg..kalau masalah dalam rumah ni jangan cakaplah..ada kalanya saya "tertitis air mata jantan" bila ingat betapa susahnya masa tu..tp sya gagahkan diri sya study siang malam just for PTD test!!!!! tiba hari test i went to the place and Alhamdulillah i did well..kiranya for 2nd time exam PTD kind a like i was ready..so sya agak lancar menjawab..so pulang dengan harapan.....i still remember my mum who always support me sent me sms to wish me good luck..it was one thing tht kept me brave doing the exam...
after a few months tibalah hari men'check' result test..i woke up in the morning & guess what first thing i did i turned on the laptop and surfed the website..i was shavering while checking the result &..............Alhamdulillah...i passed the test!! ya Allah tak tau macammana mau cakap my feeling masa tu..i trus sujud syukur..maybe to some people it was just a simple thing and i was exaggerated..well syukur sangat2 xpalah kan..i was smiling the whole day...then i called SPA for many times coz they didnt mention when do we need to attend the PAC..oh ya..this time PTD test ada kelainan..those who passed terus ke PAC..selalu saya dengar interview dulu..so i waited ....and agak lama jugak sya menanti..but takda maklumat..sampailah satu hari di bulan February saya dapat surat keramat haha..surat yang istimewa iaitu jemputan hormat ke PAC!!! whoaaaaaaa...i was happy in the same time nervous..coz i heard many things bout PAC~
kata mereka, PAC brutal, kejam, strict and apa2 lg lah...saya cuba tidak menginject kepala saya dengan psycho orang2 di sekeliling sya bahkan sumber dri website juga sya x ambil pusing sangat...so i went prepared for baju2 yang di kehendaki ikut dresscode..documents yang patut di bawa...and yg paling unbelievable i jogged~!!! hahahah..many know that I HATE ANYTHING BOUT SPORT! but untuk masuk PTD PAC i kena fit!   so i had no choice...in March i started my jogs! ( mcm lagu plak ;i started a jog..hahahha)  saya memilih Alammesra yg ada bulatan terbesar di KK konon..so sya pun dngan berbekalkan MP3 d telinga berjogging lah..and x sangka i could do it..until end of March i stopped my jogs..and started prepare my stuff a day before the PAC~
The day came where i need to go to INTAN (Institut Tadbir Negara) for some people it might be an ordinary place..but for me it was one of my dream to be there..stepped out from the car and bravely walked into the crowd of people whom i believed the candidates..i was nervous, shy and confuse a bit.. i thought it would be many cancidates like 50 to 100..but they were only about 30 above people there..ok, i greeted them and try to behave like a professional..i sat at the end of the line when i young polite and fairest of us all came and sat next to me..he introduced himself as W.M Shafwan..ok he's younger and have experience before as it was his second time he participated the PAC..we became friend in no time ..and i can say we were both very closed....then we went for a registration and they gave us our room..the room was very nice..just like staying in a 4 stars hotel! heheheh...thanks governments.and W.M Shafwan was my roommate..so we were like best friend as unexpectedly they put us in the same room. after that the whole activities started ..where at first we were divided into 4 groups..i was given the group no.4...oh yeahh before that we were also being  given no. for us to wear within the time of the program ..and my no. was 4..hahahah I AM NO.4! they have to addresses us by number..not by name..so i remembered the first activities was menginterpretasikan gambar dalam bahasa Melayu..macam minta pendapat kita lah..then 2nd room was held in English with the same objective. then lepas Zohor and makan datang balik ke bilik sindiket..this time sort of I.Q test..d mana kami di beri puzzle..dua kali dngan masing2 bahasa Melayu dan English...habis tu sampailah waktu petang waktu yg di tunggu2..huhuhuhuhu x suka x suka..hahahah FITNESS TEST! sya n Wan tukar baju riadah..then pegi ke hall..kami di beri kan kreativiti mencipta gerakan senamrobik ..and mengikut feedback yang sya dengar we were the best group for this..alhamdulillah..lepas tu yang bikin takut..kami kena jogging/lari dalam masa 14 minit sepanjang 2.4 KM~~~~~~  :(   i did tp exceeded 3 minutes..really hope they wont cut off my marks...then malamnya, lepas urus diri we were given another different groups ..kali ini hanya dua kumpulan besar..kami di beri topic secara undian dan melalui topik tersebut kami kena buat satu slide sahaja untuk di present dalam bahasa Inggeris~
alhamdulillah tajuk /topic saya tak juga susah..pasal 'poverty eradicatin" alhamdulillah sebelum sya dtnhg INTAN sya dah memng bnyak kaji pasal GTP (Govt. Transformation Programme) and slah stu item nya memng membasmi kemiskinan..so i prepared it that evening and helped others on theirs as i completed it in a shorter time...then we went back to our room..me n Wan didnt directly sleep..he needed to prepare his presentation where he got the topic of 'national car' errmmm..lucky him i guess..then we were chatting until 1 a.m i guess..we get to know each other..that time i wished that the night could be longer as so many things we wanna share and laugh at..hahah
so the next morning we gathered at the different hall for each groups..i was shocked when the facilitator called myn no for the first presenter...whoaaaaaa give me some break..but i thought to myself..break a leg! hahah so i presented with confident and answered the question...huhhuhu...after the presentation session ended we went back to 4 groups but this time it was a new group! for the last activities we were given several objects and within the time given each of us need to create our invention using those objects..those objects were ;1 box, 4 plastic bottles and a1 mahjong paper...everyone have their own idea and sketch and mine was more to a prototype...and then finally the facilitator instructed us to cooperate in a team and create an invention without referred to our own individually creation/sketch.. alhamdulillah.we did it and as for me the thing that we've created is interesting and superb! hahahhahahah....
well, that was the last and we started to say goodbye each other for the last time...i went back to my room with a little sad feeling as i didnt really feel satisfy..i want more of it and really pleased and glad meeting so many nice people and so many talented friend! Wan, my roommate is one of them..so we exchanged contact. no..and started packing, check out and drive off the place! bak kata pepatah, datang dengan harapan pulang dengan kejayaan! Ya Allah aku mohon kejayaan dalam apa jua kerja yang baik..namun rezeki itu datang daripadamu..maka aku berserah dan pasrah apa jua keputusannya...syukur Ya Allah walaupun ia hanya satu pengalaman~

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

talian hayat-24434!

Assalammualaikum...
errmmm...dah lama x update blog..yg sebenarnya ni pun baru post yg ke3 ....x palah..ilham dtng tetiba mlm ni...sya terinspirasi untuk update blog ni pun sebab yesterday (chewahhh be English plak) kemaren terbaca post kwn mengenai sorng celebrity yg cukup sya kagumi keperibadiannya..x lain x bukan Wardina Saffiyah...sapa x kenal kan? dia wrote a note tentng satu perkara penting yg  bg sya maha penting..iaitu 'SOLAT'...
sya rasa semua orng tau kan apa itu Solat khususnya orng Malaysia nie dn yg beragama Islam..tapi sedar kah kita masih ramai yg tdk menunaikannya? sya sebenarnya amat2 sedih dan terkilan bila perkara ini di abaikan dan d perlekehkan...sebagai Muslim yg tahu dan faham akan agama kita sudah tentu kita tau pokok asas Islam itu ada 5 kan?dan yg terutama Solat 5 waktu!!! bayangkanlah sehingga kini masih ada individu Islam tak mau solat??? ngeri bgi sya...
sya akui sya manusia biasa yg juga pernah melakukan kesilapan..sya pun nakal atau bak kata orng2 kmpung sya 'jajal' dulunya..alasan plak darah muda..masih remaja...tp Islam itu mensyaratkan bhwanya umur seawal 7 tahun hndaklah solat, inikan pula bila dah tua mcm nieee..(errr tua kah sya niee..)
kadang2 ntahlah juga sya menunaikan solat sebab sya tahu hukum nya WAJIB bila WAJIB x buat BERDOSA!!! so sya buatlah semampu sya...tp ada sebab lain yg menyebabkan sya untuk tdk mahu lg lalai dlm menunaikannya...rujuk entry pertama..tu pun klu paham lah..
berbalik pada kisah Wardina tadi..harapan sya agar kita dpt mencontohi akhlak nya dlm mendidik anak2 dan keluarga..dia seorng selebriti yg popular, cantik malah pintar...tetapi sya terharu bila dia juga seorng Muslimah sejati dan ikhls serta tegas dlm menjalankan dn menegakkan agamanya..
ermmm..insyaAllah klu ada ilham menulis sya update nest time for now im so sleepy..k gud nite!
 salam~

Monday, January 24, 2011

Spider - Rela Ku Pujuk ( Lyrics )

Kisah aku, dia dan "labah-labah"!

Salam para pembaca, semoga di rahmati Allah swt..1st of all saya mau confess yang saya memng suka menulis tetapi malas! time sekolah dulu pernah gak menang pertandingan menulis,English pulak tue ..heheh..dan beberapa karya pernah tersiar di majalah humor Gelihati (errr..mcm tiada sudah sekarng ni magazine..) dan majalah sekolah.. haha...but Yang Berbahagia Encik Cemik memng sngat2 kuat pengaruhnya..maka saya buat account baru saya..tapi minta maaf kalau penggunaan bahasa saya agak rojak yeerr...as a first tribute saya mahu menulis sebuah kisah dari my little black book, sebuah kisah tentang seseorng yang saya sayangi..oh ya, FYI saya ada menyimpan sebuah buku hitam tempat saya berkarya, meluah perasaan, memberi pandangan dan apa2 sajalah..insyaAllah beberapa isi kandungannya bakal di transfer ke blog ini..dan bagi saya, hidup ini bagaikan kisah yang kita sendiri mengiramakannya...sedih,suka, duka apa2 sahajalah..maka itu nama blog sya "Tales In The Rhyme"! teruskan membaca......


"saya tak minat band Melayu!" kata-kata ini pernah saya katakan padanya. Dia ketika itu tidak juga mengia tidak juga menidakkan kata2 saya..tapi kalau saya lihat reaksi nya ketika itu dia seakan2 bersetuju. Kenyataan saya ini memang benar kerana memang saya lebih berminat kepada band2 or artis2 dari USA, Europe & international compared to local! Mungkin kerana cara saya di besarkan di mana kebanykan saudara saya esp,kakak saya memang gila kan muzik orang putih. Dan mak saya juga yang bersekolah keika zaman colonial merupakan punca utama juga kenapa lagu2 English jadi pilihan saya. They were my lullaby haha...dan ketika saya membesar pula kebanyakan lagu Melayu nya tangkap leleh..sudahlah kehidupan amat sukar ketika saya membesar, takkan mahu dengar lagi lagu yang sedih2 kan?? haha..
Tetapi semakin saya menginjak dewasa saya dapati evolusi muzik Melayu seakan2 sedang menjalani proses perubahan ke arah lebih baik, lebih maju ,lebih urban dan lebih berkualiti.
suatu hari dia menyarankan sesuatu ," nah! cuba dengar lagu2 dari band ni..best!yang jadi juara lagu tu.." katanya lagi. kalau tak silap saya masa tu dia ada kaset band tu dan juga pemain kaset/radio. so demi manjaga hati saya pun cuba mendengar di kelapangan masa.
..memang agak catchy dengan lirik2 yang menyentuh hati bagi saya band tersebut memang layak menjadi juara lagu tahun itu dan tidak hairan dia suka! So, dari hari itu saya terus cuba mendengar lagu2 dari band itu..saban masa itulah juga lagu2 yang dinyanyikannya. kadang2 bosan juga dengar suara "kataknya" hahaha...tapi itulah dia, tanpa mengira suka duka, susah senang, lagu2 dari band itu pasti di nyanyikannya...hatta ketika kami hampir melelapkan mata pun kadang2 dia msih mengalun2kan lagu2 dari band itu..errrmmm..alahaiiii..hhahaha..
..dan kini,kalau saya kurang bersemangat kadang2 lirik lagu "nazraku" terngiang2 di telinga..kalau masak atau makan pula kadang2 saya ingatkan diri bahawa "Laukku cukup masin." dan yang lagi best & syahdu kalau tengah sedih atau agak down maka lagu "Relaku Pujuk" saya jadikan penghibur hati duka...
..dan kalau saja ketika dia ada dan dia tahu bahawa ketika dia disakiti ,tak dipeduli atau ketika bersedih maka relaku pujuk..kerana dia adalah saudara saya..dan saya sayang dia seperti mana sayangnya saya pada semua saudara2 yang lainnya...kalau masa itu dapat saya putar kembali maka setiap kali saya marah kan dia dan dia merajuk atau terkilan,maka relaku pujuk...
...dan semalam ketika band pujaannya itu membuat persembahan dalam siaran rakaman suatu program TV,saya seakan terpaku, terkilan dan sayu lantas mengimbau kenangan bersamanya setiap kalinya..dan saya akui memang band itu dan lagu2 mereka layak juara!
...sebelum sempat air mata menitis,  saya tukar channel lantas berdoa kepada yang esa agar Allah menempatkan dia di kalangan orang2 yang soleh..sesungguhnya pemergiannya punya impak yang besar dan positif pada diri ini sehingga kini...semoga setiap doa saya di setiap selepas solat sampai kepadanya...Al-fatihah...